satire

I bet you’re saying, “Children and chickens? That’s weird.” Yes, it is, but so are children and chickens. They’re also shockingly similar, which is why I grouped them together.

Think about it. They’re cocky little beasts that strut around, making shrill noises while pecking at your heels and begging for scraps. Some have odd cowlicks sticking out of the top of their heads. The resemblance is almost uncanny.

So, of course, the logical conclusion is that their care should also be similar, right? That’s what I thought, too. We’ve been complicating this whole child-rearing thing for too long.

Now, I…

I don’t suffer from a mental illness, but I know many people that do. I’ve helplessly watched friends and family struggle with depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, hoarding disorder; the list could go on.

I’ve lost people to suicide. I watched a close friend dismantle lives by systematically shutting loved ones out, including me, never to talk to them again. I’ve heard suicidal threats. I’ve seen the damaging effects hoarding has on the individual and the family. I’ve listened to schizophrenic visions and fears. …

Satire

Just so we’re clear, this isn’t for the faint of heart. If hard work, long nights, and other people’s blood make you uncomfortable, then it’s time to move on to a different article.

I’m not trying to scare anyone off, but there are certain things you must do if you want to succeed as a writer. Things no one talks about. Things we shouldn’t talk about. But I’m going to let you in on the secret. I know you’re dying to know why some writers strike big while others wallow in their self-degradation.

I know because I was there. Past…

Satire

Clickbait has never been my thing, but I can be honest now that I have your attention. Those claims in the headline aren’t true yet, but they will be soon. Instead, I offer you something more intriguing. I have a surefire way for you to make money as a writer. I have the secret to success, and I’ll share it with you here and now. Yes, really.

How am I so sure it’ll work? Because this method has worked for so many other people. It took years of in-depth research to make sure of my premise, but it turns out…

Time to confess. I’m that annoying friend who’s usually late. It might be 2 minutes, or it might be 20. I’ve gotten better over the years, but it’s still at the “consistent” level.

Sometimes I’m actually on time or even early, but I say that with unjustified pride. It’s like saying, “Hey, look at me! I was polite today!” Sure, it’s a good thing, but it shouldn’t be an out-of-the-ordinary thing. Both are signs of respect or, at the minimum, proper social skills. No one wins a prize for that. It comes along with being a decent human being.

But…

Sometimes I think we must sound like the world’s Karen: salty, well-fed, and comfortable with an insatiable need to complain about something.

We know we have it good. We know we gripe over stupid stuff and can laugh at ourselves over it. But sometimes we fail to see how lucky we are. We complain about bigger things as if they’re actual problems that negatively impact our lives. In reality, they’re things that maybe we should be thankful for because either:

• it actually does not impact our life at all, or
• we’re well off enough that it’s the biggest problem we…

“AM I DOING THIS RIGHT?” MODERN PARENT CONTEST

This post is an entry in Modern Parent’s “Am I Doing This Right?” writing contest.

It happened on a dark, dreary day. Ominous clouds filled the sky, adding uncertainty to the tension that was already in the air. A quiet unrest had been simmering and was about to erupt into chaos.

Well, maybe not quite. It was probably a day just like every other day, though that unrest was a common theme. I’m sure there was tension and uncertainty, too. We were all unsure and a little scared when everything shut down.

Lockdown brought a mix of emotions for everyone…

He’s cute, isn’t he?? He’s also huge. Most people are scared of him, but he’s just a big baby. However — and this theory hasn’t been tested — I bet he’d rip someone apart if they tried to mess with any of us.

An opinion you might hate me for

I have quite a few controversial opinions, but I don’t think any of them will bother people more than what I’m about to say. I’ve learned a thing or two, though, so hear me out.

I am not a “pet person.” My daughters are the only reason we got a dog. I think animals are dirty, messy…